Rankings

With the season about halfway over (can you believe it?), a mysterious haze has descended on the CBA–a haze that seemed improbable just a few weeks ago. Early season dominance by the Space Cowboys, Sky Chiefs, and Shureburds has given way to a combined 4-8 record by the almost-alliterative trio over the last 4 weeks. In that time the rats, fish (?), peaches (??), and delicious meaty tailgate treats (????) have begun to sniff around like Jack Nicholson in that one off-putting but very funny scene in The Depahted (a.k.a., the knock-off of Andrew Lau Wai-keung’s vastly superior Infernal Affairs [2002]--very relevant given that Marty Scorsese is now shilling for AI).

Published 5/12/2026

Feliz Cinco de Mayo, managers. Today we celebrate the Battle of Puebla, where an outmanned Mexican army looked at the most powerful military force in the Western Hemisphere and said "no, actually, we're good." The French brought cavalry, artillery, and the full weight of empire. The Mexicans brought 4,000 soldiers, a hilltop, and an unreasonable amount of confidence. They won. It remains one of history's great upsets, and it also appears to be how Ben approaches every one of his matchups against the Chinook.

Published 4/28/2026

Happy birthday, gentlemen. Ian, Owen, and Dan will celebrate their birthday’s before the end of April, and the rest of you are invited to the celebrations in the same way you are invited to compete for our CBA championship — technically welcome, likely to leave disappointed and drunk. Three weeks of actual baseball have revealed what the preseason rankings only guessed at: the Tisdales are just here to compete amongst themselves , Luke still cannot buy a playoff appearance, Doug's rotation would make the worst birthday gift of all time, and Dan is speedrunning the most impressive franchise collapse the 2026 Mets. Meanwhile three undefeated teams — the Sky Chiefs, the Emus, and the Space Cowboys — sit at the head of the table having their cake and eating everyone else’s too while the rest of you fight over who gets the last lowly crumbs of a playoff position. Birthdays are supposed to be celebrations. In the CBA, they are mostly reminders that another week has passed and at least half of you have done nothing useful with it.

Happy Tax Day Eve, managers. The filing deadline is tomorrow, your returns are due, and based on two weeks of actual baseball, at least half of you are going to owe the league a significant explanation for the gap between what you (I) projected and what you produced.

Happy Easter, gentlemen. He is risen, your pitching staffs are not, and half of you are already looking at the waiver wire the way a man looks at a breakfast buffet after forty days of fasting. One week of actual baseball has been played, and the CBA has already delivered its first round of miracles, plagues, and at least one burial. The preseason rankings I published two weeks ago aged the way all preseason rankings age — mostly fine, partially humiliating, and in one specific case so wrong that I considered deleting the entire column and pretending it never existed.

Welcome to Opening Day, gentlemen. The first pitch has not been thrown, no one has been hurt yet, and every single one of you believes this is your year. That delusion is what makes spring beautiful. Today marks my first edition of the 2026 CBA Power Rankings, and if I can manage it, you should expect one of these landing roughly every week throughout the season. Think of it as a public service, or personal procrastination that fills up your inbox.